Hey baby boy

Well, i was thinking about you, wishing I could hold you.

Sometimes its hard, i jsut want to lay down and cry. But, i try my hardest to just press on.I try hard not to hink about the sadness that drags me down, but instead think about the good life your living :-)

I know you are going through things I wouldnt have had the resources or strength to help you with at the time. I was alone, and didnt have the support I needed.

I miss you so much some days it hurts; it feels like someone is ripping my chest out. This is one of those times.

I watch that movie, Meet the Robinsons, and I cry a lot. I think of what I gave you; your new family, your new life. I miss a lot of things; i missed your first step, your first word, your first everything. I still remembe ryou laying in my arms in the hospital while I sang to you and counted your fingers and toes.

I think the first few days was hard, because I wasnt sure what I should be doing. I didnt want to get to close to you, because Iw as scared to let you go. I knew what I needed to do, and I knew it was for the best, but I knew that i had to hold back untill I signed those papers.

And it was hard; signing them. I cried and walked away. I wanted to bad to call your Momma and Mommy and ask them to bring you back, just for a few hours. I just wanted to hold you, and love on you a little bit more. But I knew the more i had, the more I would want.

I had nothing for you; no bed, no diapers, no clothes, no food. I didnt have the things they had for you. I couldnt afford those things; they could. But now, when i think back, i wonder what it would have been like, what yor life would have been like.

Usually i spend my days crying and cleaning when I think about you, missing you this way. I feel this empty feeling in my stomach, in my heart. No other baby will ever fill that emptiness. No other child will ever fill your place. But, i will never try to fill it either. Thats a spot that belongs to you and you alone.

June 26, 2010

Wow, I cant believe you are 3 1/2 years old.
Tomorrow I am going to Pride with Andrew and Kathleen, and it makes me think of you. One of the first things your Momma, Mommy and I did together was go to Cleveland Pride. I loved it! Your sisters danced and we listened to music and had so much fun!

I know your doing well with your Parents, and every day I pray to God that everything is going well for you and them. I love you so much! And I cant wait to see you again!

Love Always,
Your BirthMom,
Patty